When I first came out I remember having a couple of pretty devastating experiences with lesbians accepting me. One woman, who had just dumped her partner of 13 years, had the audacity to tell me I was heinous for not honoring my marriage commitment. When I pointed out that she was not honoring her commitment to her partner, her answer was, “But we weren’t married.” Well, duh. At any rate, this idiot set me back about 6 months in my coming out process. The last thing you need when you are taking this step is for someone in the community to give you a hard time.
One of the best ways to enter the lesbian community is to connect with women who are also coming out in midlife. These women often have kids, understand your problems and most likely are coming out of marriages also. And it is very common for lesbians to have been married, so there are plenty of us to seek out! Then start by joining a local club and attending a few events. Before you know it, you will be making all sorts of connections.
If you discovered you were a lesbian after being married, it is also a good idea to be separated or in the divorce process before getting heavily involved in the lesbian community. Lesbians may look upon married women who are perusing the scene with suspicion. “Are you looking for a threesome? Are you serious about being a lesbian? You’re attractive, but if I get involved will you leave him?” are a few of the questions that will pop into the average lesbian mind if you are still living in the family home.
Another thing to realize is that the lesbian community isn’t necessarily a neighborhood. The community is made up of all the lesbians that live in a locale and who interact with each other. The community may be online, it may be a loose social network, it may be an active formal organization or all of those things. And no matter where you are, always think of the lesbian community as a small town. Women know each other. They talk. So, don’t burn bridges. Be careful what you say to whom about others. They may have been lovers with the person several years back!
Overall, entering the lesbian community is very exciting and rewarding for women who have lived their lives wondering what gay life would be like, and most likely fearing it. After a few forays into lesbian clubs, lesbian covered dishes and a few softball games, you will start to get the idea that life isn’t so very different on this side, just more…female!
If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.
Filed under: Coming out, GLBT, divorce, gay, gay coaching, gay-straight marriage, homosexuality, lesbian, lesbian coaching, lesbians married to men, lgbt, midlife crisis, questioning sexual orientation
