Are you in a lesbian relationship (or any relationship!) and wondering if it has run its course? How do you decide when to bail? Of course there are the obvious red flags, like cheating and abuse, but what if the troubles are more subtle than that. Here are a few ways to tell if you should consider breaking up and getting a fresh start, hopefully making a wiser choice the next time round.
- You are frequently feeling depressed about the relationship. You may find yourself in a state of ennui, emotionally paralyzed and feeling down. Time moves very slowly when you are together.
- You are feeling trapped. The relationship is no longer a source of joy, but rather an obligation for you to uphold. You brace before walking in the door at night. You look forward to the workweek.
- You are talking to the wall. You’ve tried to explain what is going on with you and how you feel about the relationship, but she does nothing to address your concerns.
- You feel like you are doing a disproportionate amount of the relationship-building work. You are the arranger, the talker, the organizer, the planner, the fixer, the doer. If you stop, she does nothing to take over. You are exhausted and hurt.
- You feel you don’t have the strength or the will to work on the relationship, even if your partner does want to turn it around. You simply don’t care anymore. The thought of couples counseling is unappealing. You have passed the point of emotional no-return.
- You are frequently thinking about an ex- or find yourself flirting with someone new. You may have noticed your partner doing the same.
- You and your partner are fighting more often and more intensely…or worse, you are not communicating at all.
- Your partner ridicules you or seems embarrassed by you around others.
- Your partner tells other people important news before she tells you. Not good. Especially if you hear it back from the other person first!
- Your partner doesn’t consult you before making major decisions.
- Your partner doesn’t make time for you. You try to make plans to be together, but your partner tends to have excuses to cancel them, whether it be work, commitments to friendships or just household chores. You feel like you are at the bottom of the list.
- The sex is dead.
If your relationship has 4 or 5 of these signs, as a couple you maybe in trouble. If 7 or 8 are hitting home, you might start thinking about getting out of the relationship and making some plans toward that end. If the whole list sounds like your life, run!
If you are gay or lesbian and want to rebuild your relationship or start a new one, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.
Filed under: GLBT, gay, gay coaching, lesbian, lesbian coaching, lgbt, relationships
Congrats on being named to the LGF’s list of 100 best LGBT blogs – just saw it (I know I am behind on the times but I’m new to the scene!) – still very awesome! Kate & I have a lot to learn from you
Keep it up and keep it real …
-Syd
http://www.lezzbuzz.com
Thanks Sydney! Sometimes I sit here and wonder if I am making a difference and then a bit of recognition comes up and that makes all the difference. Be well.
You have a lovely blog and absolutely cute and brilliant art ideas. Great collection must say.
I am here for the first time and sure to be here for a while and be back often too.
Keep it going.
Do take a peep into my blog when you find time too.
jo jo
http://household-ideas.blogspot.com/
Such a great post. I’m deeply involved in relationship issues (for couples of all orientation), specifically the exploration if just WHEN a relationship is over, or when it might be saved. So many people give up on a love-based relationship before it’s too late. So how do you know when is a relationship over? When all love, respect and commitment is gone. As long as there’s a grain of those things left, there is hope that the relationship can be saved. Love-based relationships are too precious to give up on without a fight.
just run. it’s too much work even if it’s love-based. what i learned is GOOD LOVE comes naturally. it just flows, no hard work involved. and it is consistently generally good for one’s well being.
Hi Hazel,
I agree partly. Good love does flow–but that doesn’t mean you won’t have disagreements sometimes. I think when deciding to stay or flee, it’s important to look at the whole lifespan of the relationship. If the good times outweigh the hard times…significantly…then it is definitely worth working through the rough spots.
i agree Pat. i guess that’s what i meant by “consistently generally good”. no relationship is 100% hassle free. but painful relationships (like the one i came from) could last for years and take away so much from a person, despite the fact that both parties love each other. all the points in this list were definitely present in my past relationship and it went on for 5 years because we were good people who loved each other and wanted to try harder. we brought out the worst in each other in the end and did ourselves and others great damage.
now, i am in a relationship where i find myself happy every day. i never knew this kind of consistent happiness and peace of mind before and i am grateful that it exists after all. some say love is hard work, but i find that untrue. good love brings out the best in people so that kindness, consideration, and gentleness becomes second nature.
Well said! Just because there is an initial chemical attraction, does not mean the relationship is destined to be successful. Real life intervenes! If the relationship becomes too much work, it is just suffering all around.