Are you a woman over 30 who is just now coming out as a lesbian? If you aren’t quite sure where you fit in socially, it may be time to develop some new friendships. It’s always a good idea to put some effort into building a strong lesbian social network. Meeting other lesbians can help you feel less marginalized and more part of a group. Your ability to do this easily will depend on your geographic location. If you live in New York City or the Bay area, it will be relatively easy finding women of like mind. However, in rural North Dakota it can be another story. Even so, if you live in such an area, and you feel that finding a social network is hopeless, think about two things. First, YOU are gay and YOU live there. Second, there are lesbians everywhere.
So, where do you find women? Well, here is where the internet is your friend. If you live in a large city, usually a simple google for “[NAME OF CITY] lesbian group” will net you something. Do not set the search for “[NAME OF CITY] lesbian club” because you will most likely get a listing of bars, which is not what you want…OK, so maybe you do want bars! You can also try this in rural areas, just use the name of the closest city.
Another search that is good to try is Yahoo Groups. Just search the site for “lesbian [YOUR STATE or YOUR CITY] and see what pops up. In our North Dakota example, there were several legitimate-looking groups that were retrieved. One thing you want to look for is groups that are listed as membership required. Groups that are listed as public are often porn sites.
Another way to make connections is to use an internet dating site, such as Match.com. Use a very broad search criteria, such as ages 25 to 60, and use a 100 mile radius. Even in remote areas you should net a few ladies. Write them, not necessarily to date, but to make contacts and possibly develop friendships. Chances are, they know other lesbians in the area to introduce you to. You can also ask them if they are aware of any clubs, groups or organizations that are not publicly listed on the internet.
If the lesbians you find are just too far away or too scattered, there are always chat rooms and message boards galore on the internet. Just be careful you are not talking to male pervs or lurkers. They are usually easy to figure out because they get sexually inappropriate real fast. But still, never arrange to meet someone in a secluded area or at their (or your) home. You never really know. Make sure you talk on the phone before meeting a woman, and always, always, always meet for the first time in a public place, during the day. Anyone can send you a picture of a random woman and say it is them, but webcams are hard to fake. Before meeting a woman, tell her you want to chat via webcam.
Finally, if you live within an hour or so of a city, you might want to check out the local gay bar to meet some people. To find one, do the search for “[NAME OF CITY or STATE] lesbian gay club bar.” Our North Dakota example came up with a place called I Beam in Fargo.
So, go forth and build a social network! These are the people who will keep you afloat when times get rough, who you can talk to and laugh with, who understand you and who know what you want!
If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.
Filed under: Coming out, GLBT, gay, gay coaching, gays married to women, lesbian, lesbian coaching, lesbians married to men, lgbt, married and gay, midlife crisis, questioning sexual orientation
