I frequently get letters from people who are unsure it they are gay or not. Usually, my answer is a question: “Why are you asking?” There is nearly always a reason behind the uncertainty; something that got them started on this line of thinking. That could be an attraction, an experience, even watching a movie that turned them on! Whatever that reason was, the experience has usually been positive and enjoyable. Hence, the questioning.
Here is the important point: in my experience, most totally straight people do not question their sexuality. They are born straight, they are raised straight, and they assume they are straight. They do not have these experiences or if they do, the experiences are repellent or they just put it behind them.
So, if you are spending time and mental energy questioning your sexual orientation, there is probably something to it! That is not to say that it isn’t confusing. One popularly accepted theory about sexuality is that sexual orientation is not absolute. That means you may be mostly straight, straight with gay tendencies, bi (around 50/50 in your attractions), gay with straight tendencies, or you may be mostly gay! Yikes!
Most people who are close to one end or the other of the spectrum tend to live their lives at that end. So, for instance, if you are a woman who usually develops crushes on men, but has had one or two attractions to women, you will most likely end up living your life as a straight woman, with no one the wiser. I have two long-time, straight-identifying friends who fall into this category. I was not aware of this until I came out to them and they “confessed” having had an occasional attraction to the same sex. It was the first time in their lives they felt comfortable telling someone about their “bizarre” attractions!
Personally, I have had attractions to men, so I understand how confusing this is. However, the attractions I have had to women have been more frequent and, on average, longer lasting and more intense. So, I simply identify as lesbian and stick to it!
And, of course, it is NEVER just this easy, because you may think you have it all figured out, that you are mostly straight, with most of your attractions being to the opposite sex and then, wham, you meet that one person of the same sex that blows you away. It happens. Life is messy.
So, if you are questioning your sexual orientation, ask yourself why you are doing so. Understand that you may not be totally straight or totally gay. Understand that this can be a confusing and time consuming process, since you have to wait for the attractions to occur! Be patient with yourself and be open to love from either source, male or female. And, as always, if you need to talk it out, give me a call!
If you are questioning your sexual orientation, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.
Filed under: Coming out, GLBT, divorce, gay, gay-straight marriage, gays married to women, homosexuality, lesbian, lesbian coaching, lesbians married to men, midlife crisis, questioning sexual orientation, sexual orientation, sexuality
Hi. this is the first time Ive ever wrote on one of these things. Anyway, I have always lived my life as a straight man. Ive never been the kind of man to confidently go after women, but as more of the shy type, I have always gone after women. in terms of fantasies, there had never been a time where i “got off” to sexual thoughts with a man. In fact, Ive seen myself as someone who has had a pretty vivid imagination, being able to get off to prior sexual incounters. I also looked at quite alot of pornography, all heterosexual. Now, here’s the catch. I had never had sex until this past year. Im 21 years old, been “sexually active” with women, but never actually had sex. It just never happened with my long term girlfriend in high school (she was much younger than me, and it just didnt happen). Anyway, the girl that I finally had sex with, I was kinda dating, but I truly wasnt attracted to her at all. She just really liked me alot, I hadnt had a girlfriend in a while, and I gave it a shot. Shoot me. Anyway, after we had sex, many times, is when I first remember having these thoughts. I never thought about guys when i was with her, and if i did it was to keep me from cumming, not to cum more. Sorry, detailed… Anyway, basically, I went away to work at a camp this summer, and I met a girl there, much more inticing and attractive than my girlfriend, so I went for it. In so many words i ended things with the girlfriend, but def could have made it more clear and done it better. Regardless, i had alot of fun with this girl, and had really strong feelings for her. I did question it quite often, though, I suppose because she was from a different country, and we had only known each other for a short time, but I went with it anyway. I saw myself as someone who had always had a bit of a commitment issue, and with this girl, i was trying really hard to put those thoughts aside, even though maybe i should have listened to them, Anyway, I remember after she left, being crushed, and taking that to understand how much I really had cared about her. Sometimes I still cry when I think about her. Anyway, one day I remember sitting, masturbating to porn, and all of a sudden, saying, am I Gay?… Oh god, Im not going to be able to let this question go. I tend to dwell, so I saw this dwelling coming. Now it consumes my life, for a time I was trying so hard to put all thoughts out of my head, smoke my cares away, and I became increasingly depressed and I started seeing therapy. throughout this three month period, it has been a constant battle in my head. Why would someone who has always identified themselves one way start to question it. IT wasnt like i didnt enjoy sex. Because of this cloud of doubt ive put over everything, its hard to even confidently say that. Its so crazy, but I tried really hard to make myself fantasize about guys, trying to see if id get a reaction, and if i got any, i would question that, question all of my physical and mental moves, asking myself if that was gay. now i cant tell what the hell is happening. I cant tell you what i want now or who i am or where im going with everything. I dont enjoy porn anymore, and watched gay porn, couldnt tell if i enjoyed it or not, i dont know. i dont know if i am convincing my body and mind that im gay, so i dont have to deal with all my other issues, or if im truly gay. i dont want to be going through this anymore. please help.
Hi KRK,
If you have always been and still are attracted to the opposite sex, you may be suffering from HOCD, or Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If your current therapist is not adequately treating you, please consider a new psychologist or even psychiatrist, who may be able to prescribe some drugs to help you. Oh, and maybe it would be a good idea to delve into why you fear being gay sooo much…
Good luck,
Pat