Coming Out Gets Easier

For those of you who are in the closet, coming out seems like an avalanche will be triggered over your head once you open the closet door. Well maybe and maybe not. Coming out is different for everyone. Usually things go much more smoothly than our imaginations tell us. We tend to think the worst will happen. In a way this is a good thing, because it prepares us mentally for whatever may come. However, it is a very bad thing when our imaginations do such a negative job that they prevent us from coming out at all! The truth is that most initial coming out experiences produce more positive outcomes than negative outcomes.

The toughest thing about your first coming out is that it is to people you know. People that you have known all your life, in some cases. People that think of you as a person you are not. It is overcoming the sense of betrayal to these people that is a part of the problem. And of course the worst of these is your parents and spouse if you have married, as they have the most invested in you. Parents tend to think your gayness is a reflection on them, somehow–the way they raised you, things they may have done or not done, or even their gene pool! Spouses are angry that they will have to start over again with their lives, and rightly so.

There is good news though. If you are tough enough to get through the initial coming out process and tell the people you already have relationships with (and you will get tough doing this), the easier it is to move forward in your life and tell people you are just meeting for the first time. And soon enough you will find you don’t even have to tell people outright–all you have to do is live your life and people will know. And they will respect you for it and accept who you are.

Here is an example. The last job I took, which was just over a year ago, I decided to come out to my supervisor right away. My mother told me I was crazy, that I just ruined any chances of getting ahead with the company and that I may even get fired. Nothing could be further from the truth. Instead, I was able to be relaxed with my supervisor–I didn’t have anything to hide. We were able to talk freely about weekend plans and home life and I was able to be myself. I could answer questions honestly and have conversations without guarding everything I said. Until you do not have that hanging over your head, you don’t even realize how much it affects your relationships.

Just over a year has passed and I got a 5 star review from my supervisor. I also received a promotion within the year and have found out I am in line for a second promotion. It just goes to show you, the more you accept yourself, are comfortable with who you are, the more likely people will take your sexuality in stride and accept you, too. Of course, it also helps if you do a really good job!

Now, when I meet people for the first time, I make sure to tell them I have a partner and her name is Joy. I smile, look them in the eye and hold my head high. They usually look confused for just the tiniest second, until they get it, and then smile back and say, “Oh, that’s nice.” And that is that. Yes, coming out does get easier!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.