For people that discover they are homosexual after marriage, one option to turn to is open marriage. Initially, this appears to be a way for people to have their cake and eat it too. Stay in the marriage, have a same-sex partner on the side. Many times straight spouses will agree to this arrangement for various reasons: children, disruption of life, economics and, yes, true caring of their spouse. Most straight spouses come to the understanding, over time, that they are unable to fulfill the needs of their gay or lesbian counterpart.
The fallacy of this reasoning is that the decisions are made from the perspective of the marriage. Each of the married spouses agree to this arrangement and do so because it suits their needs, at least for the time being.
Enter the new gay partner. Now the dynamics of the marriage change. Time and energy has to be juggled between a new, exciting relationship and maintaining the marriage on a companionable level. If children are involved, that is a consideration also. How will the new partner be introduced and accepted into the family unit? Most times the new partner has no say because the parameters of the open marriage have already been defined by the spouses.
Special occasions like holidays can be especially difficult if the new partner is not welcome into the home by the straight spouse. The new gay or lesbian partner will often feel like a second class citizen at these times and problems can arise.
One important issue involving open marriages for mixed orientation couples is that both spouses should hve the option to find satisfaction outside the marriage. The straight spouse is also entitled to explore an outside relationship in this scenario. Oftentimes, the gay spouse will think that it is only their right to go outside the marriage bounds because of their homosexual status. However, straight spouses have the same right to find satisfaction in a straight-straight relationship.
Navigating an open marriage is difficult, especially on the gay or lesbian partner. It is essential that these partners are not marginalized in order for these relationships to work in the long run. One viable option is for mixed orientation couples to seek out others in the same circumstance. Many issues can be resolved this way because both gay spouses have marriage obligations and a deeper understanding of each others’ situation and commitments.
Open marriages can work, but many factors have to fall into place for this to happen: lack of jealousy, negotiating the marriage parameters with the gay partners’ input, including the gay partner in at least some of the family rituals and definign the open marriage as “open” for the straight spouse, also.
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Filed under: Coming out, GLBT, divorce, gay, gay coaching, gay-straight marriage, gays married to women, homosexuality, lesbian, lesbian coaching, lesbians married to men, marriage, married and gay, midlife crisis, questioning sexual orientation, relationships, sexual orientation, sexuality
This didn’t work out for us as he had a change of heart about my side of the open marriage which was essentially the whole point of it, while still continuing on with his and even started to using religion to both justify his ‘courting’ a potential second wife, and condemning my orientation and perceived adultery.
I think in the long run it would have only worked for so long because I eventually just wanted to be with my partner and her alone. His second wife wanted him all to herself so it should have, in theory worked out, but he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
In any case, from my perspective, this is the reason for my blog title, lol.
Unfortunately the straight spouse, especially if a woman, rarely takes advantage (if that is the case) of the open part of the open marriage. This was certainly the case for my mother. I don’t recommend either alternative. Divorce is usually the best answer in my opinion.
Yes Jen, I tend to agree. However, I do think this is at the very least a stage that many couples need to go through on their way to accepting divorce as the final outcome. It is very, very difficult for one party not to become very emotionally compromised in an open marriage.