As homosexuals, we can learn a lot from the success of eHarmony’s “dimensions of compatibility.” On that popular heterosexual dating site, the premise is that the more alike the partners are, the more likely the relationship will succeed. In fact, eHarmony claims that 90 couples get married every day due to the success of their compatibility profile.
Apply this logic to gay and lesbian couples. Just by virtue of being the same sex, we have an amazing level of compatibility over heterosexual couples. Here are 5 “dimensions of compatibility” that all homosexuals share:
Sex drive. It’s a well documented fact that, on average, men have a greater sex drive than women do, due to testosterone production. This is best evidenced by the testimony of female-to-male transgender folks who start receiving the hormone and suddenly experience a revved up sex drive. That is not to say that any given gay or lesbian couple has the same sex drive, but that they are more likely to be in sync than heterosexual couples are on average.
Emotional Intensity. If men are more sexual, women rate higher on the emotionally intuitive scale. This similarity allows gays and lesbians to connect with each other on a level they are most comfortable with. Lesbians are renown for their deep levels of emotional attachment.
Communication. Men and women simply communicate differently. Men tend to share experiences and women share feelings and thoughts. Men use conversation to establish position; women use conversation to form consensus. An excellent book on this subject is You Just Don’t Understand, by Deborah Tannen. Homosexuals have an advantage in that they are communicating on the same level and with the same intent.
Dominance. Heterosexual relationships are not built on a level social field. Whether we like it or not, men have more status in our society than women do, as evidenced by salary discrepancies, corporate glass ceilings and political representation. This skews the power in heterosexual relationships toward men. Power imbalances also exist in homosexual relationships, but they may be more fluid or based on personality needs rather than the accident of one’s gender.
Shared social experience. Gays and lesbians can be considered ethnic groups. As such, we share a certain humor, culture and experience. We are drawn together and made stronger as a group by social marginalization. Homosexual relationships can benefit from this by having more in common with each other.
So what is the significance of these compatibility advantages? They potentially allow gays and lesbians to experience a much deeper level of connection than heterosexual couples do. Given these points, imagine how many successful matches eHarmony could claim if they accepted gay and lesbian customers!
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Filed under: Coming out, GLBT, gay, gay-straight marriage, lesbian, lesbians married to men, lgbt, relationships, sexual orientation, sexuality | Tagged: homosexual
Hmm, I think you are generalising a little.
Your post is tending to say “Gay relationships are highly driven by sex” which then implies they do not really have any long lasting deep emotional connections.
I am an SSA man, but I don’t have that same sex drive, and if anything, I see in myself a higher level of EQ than some men. And for me, I am looking for that deep emotional attachment in a relationship first and foremost.
Also, I know lots of straight men who don’t have the voracious appetites for sexual pleasure that you say men have. And they have deep emotional attachment to their wives. I will accept this is not as common, but it does exist.
Additionally, I feel your comment on Gays and Lesbians considered as ethnic groups as further isolating homosexual people. Ethnic ghettos are bad news, you can see this experience all over the world. If people don’t mix out there in the world, we tend to be blinkered, and very limited in our thoughts and experiences. How can we understand one another if we stay on our side, and they stay on theirs, and never interact? This even goes on inside the homosexual community, with gays discriminating against lesbians, and even worse, amongst themselves.
And perhaps this is why I prefer to use SSA (Same-Sex-Attracted) rather than gay in describing myself, because gay has become, like you say, an ethnicity. There is too much baggage. I am attracted to men. Period. The rest is superfluous, a stereotype and lifestyle that people are brainwashed into thinking they must subscribe to. I am a lot more than my SSA. It doesn’t define who I am, it is merely a part of my human complexity.
Yes, it hasn’t been easy for homosexual people in the past, and we have needed a loud voice to be heard and get the rights and freedoms that have been hard won to date, but it is now time for homosexual people to evaluate what is happening now.
We have been fighting for equality, for the right to live the same as anyone else in society, but now we are tending to exclusivity, isolation, and separation from everyone else through the “gay” lifestyle.
Shouldn’t we be looking to build on our victories, and instead continue to strive for acceptance, and to be integrated into our heterogeneous world.
And just to avoid misinterpretation:
Heterogeneous: diverse in character or content.
Hell, yes, I’m generalizing lots! LOL. Seriously, though, I certainly did not mean to imply men were incapable of strong emotional attachments or that women do not like sex (I certainly do!). However, these ARE documented TENDENCIES within the genders.
As for the ethnic groups thing, we may not like it and it may not be for ideal reasons, but we do stand together as a group. That is why gay clubs still exist. That is why Olivia travel thrives. We simply feel most comfortable among our own.
That said, yeah, I agree with the spirit of what you said. Maybe someday it will happen. I’d also like to thank you for the amount of effort and thought you put into a response to my post! Please come again.
Pat
YAY!!! Thank you to who ever did this page. I am doing a report on acceptance of homosexuality. they wanted hard facts and this is the first thing i have found FOR accepting them in two days
)))
Probably more relevant to your topic is my post entitled “How To Measure Social Acceptance of Homosexuality. Good luck with the paper!