Support Tips for Lesbians Married to Men

If you are a lesbian that is married to a man, there may come a point in time when you start to have difficulty handling your situation. I came to that point after about 17 years of marriage. I held the marriage together for the next 3 years, but, truly, it was hell for me, and probably for my family, too. At some point, just like me, you are going to need to talk to someone about what’s going on with you. You may need feedback on your plan for the future. Here are some options:

Some women confide in a close friend. This may be helpful, but it is also difficult. You may fear your friend will be shocked and reject you. Or, she may simply not understand if she is straight. It is difficult for some straight people to understand the magnitude of what it means to be gay. Even if she does understand, she may not have the insight into gay/lesbian culture to be able to help you to move forward. Still, if you trust your best friend, this may be an option.

Online support is also available. This may be a very comfortable first option. It is anonymous. It enables you to get information without risk or even leaving your home. It also enables you to make first contact with people in just your situation. MarriedGay is a support website and Willow is a support group for married lesbians. The limitation of this option is that while it is helpful to talk to people in your position, your real goal is to move forward.

Therapy is a good option if you are depressed or having emotional anxiety over your situation. In fact, a visit with a psychiatrist may definitely be in order, to get some medication that will help you to function. Follow-up visits with a psychologist or social worker that is gay-friendly, or at least neutral, will help you to get back on track emotionally, so you have the strength to face the decisions you will have to make in the future.

Regarding therapists, I do not recommend a Christian counselor. Many of these counselors do not adhere to the APA professional guidelines that have been set since the 1970’s. Many still consider homosexuality a mental disorder. Homosexuality is NOT a mental disorder. It is a normal state, just a socially unpopular one. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself or your sexual orientation. Simply get up and leave if ou feel that happening.

If you live in a metropolitan area, there are usually gay and lesbian organizations that offer support groups. You may try seeking them out. As an example, in Philadelphia we have the William Way Center, which offers LGBT Peer Counseling Services and also has a referral service for specific needs. Local organizations and social groups are also a great way to connect with lesbians in your area. Go to a social event. See what real lesbians are like. Dispel the myths and stereotypes you have been harboring!

Finally, there is coaching, which is what I do! LGBT coaches will help you find your direction and provide support and guidance to help you start a new life or to develop strategies to make your current life fulfilling. A coach will support you by helping you develop a plan for your future and by challenging you to achieve your dreams by setting realistic, relevant goals and deadlines to achieve them. Coaching provides a practical, action-oriented approach to support. To get the most out of coaching, you  should be ready to do act to change your situation.

Married lesbians often have an overwhelming variety of obstacles to overcome in addition the marriage itself: children, finances, employment, and extended family concerns. However, there are many resources available to you, both online and through counseling and coaching. Don’t try to go it alone—don’t live in isolation, fear and depression. There is help available for you!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

The Real Abomination Surrounding Gay Marriage

I know the topic has been beaten to death, but still, when you haven’t got something, you just can’t seem to let it go! So, I was thinking, what’s the real bottom line on gay marriage? Let’s go down the list:

Will it mean that gays can live together…already doing that.

Will it mean gays can now have sex?….Um, right.

Will it enable gays to commit to each other?… Any 2 people can commit to each other–don’t need a law for that.

Will gays be able to have kids and form family units?…got that, too!

So really, what difference does it make?

And here’s the bottom line: gay marriage supports spouses in the ability to take care of each other: medically, socially, financially and emotionally. That is really all we want. TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER. It is a travesty that we have to beg to have this right. It is a travesty that some people can lobby and vote to prevent other people from something so basic and so profoundly human…and to use religion and love of fellow man to do it. That’s the real abomination surrounding gay marriage.

And that’s the bottom line.

A Dream That Could Be Real

Last night I had a very vivid dream, or a nightmare, really. The kind of dream you wake up from and wonder if it really happened. It was about a woman that I know in real life. She is now in her late 80’s. This lady has a history of mental illness and extended psychiatric hospitalization. She is elderly now and has some dementia, but she seems to be a sweet lady, an artistic type of lady. She has always struck me as totally normal. I’ve never known her to hallucinate or to have any sort of outburst. She is still capable of a decent conversation and makes perfect sense to talk to. She was never married and has no children, so she never has any visitors that I am aware of. Her chart says that the nature of her mental illness was delusional thinking.I’ve never been able to reconcile her history with her personality.

So, back to my dream. I was at a mental hospital with this lady. I was talking to her psychiatrist, trying to get her out to take her home. He told me he could not let me take her home because I was a woman. He would only let her out with a man. Turns out her real diagnosis, in my dream, was that she was a lesbian. So her family dumped her at the mental hospital and that was the end of things for this lady.

Could my dream be the truth? Actually, yes it could. Not so very long ago, and well past the time that homosexuality was not considered a mental illness any more, there are documented cases of people being placed in mental institutions to be “cured.” Certainly in this lady’s heyday, in the 40’s and 50’s, psychiatric treatment for homosexuality was common and it is easily conceivable that a family would have stuck a daughter in a mental institution. And in those days, it wasn’t so easy to get out, so she may have spent years there. I hope that’s not what happened to this lady, but it wouldn’t be unheard of.

While not a totally enlightened society, at least we are no longer routinely sent to mental institutions. And homosexuality has not been considered a mental illness since the 70’s, thank god. Meaning that, even if the fundamentalist segment of society thinks we are not normal, at least the medical community does! We’ve come a long way, baby!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

Telling Kids About A Gay Family Member

Telling kids that a family member is gay or lesbian does not have to be a traumatic event. In fact, if you’ve done the smart thing and just incorporated the gay family member and his or her partner in your life since your child was born, then you never have to face this concern. Kids will understand the situation and be cool about it.

But what if you haven’t done that or what if your brother or cousin has just come out to you recently? How do you go about telling your kids Uncle Dan is gay? Here are a few tips to make it go smoothly:

Don’t be concerned about the kids being “too young” to handle the information. In fact, the younger the better. Young kids have not yet formed opinions about homosexuality and are more likely to be accepting.

Make sure what you tell them is age appropriate. For very young kids, it is only necessary to tell them that Uncle Dan has a special person that he will be living with and that Uncle Dan is very happy. They are usually content with that. Older kids and teens may have questions, like, “How long have you known?” and “Does this mean I could be gay too?” Answer honestly.

Older kids and teens may be “grossed out” by this information. This reaction is just a teens’  reflection of societal attitudes and their need to identify with those attitudes in order to fit in. The best way to handle this response is to tell your child that Uncle Dan is being honest in his feelings of love for his partner and that love is never wrong. It may days or weeks for your teen to absorb that, but they will.

Generally, the less fanfare you make out of it the better. If you seem to take it in stride, your kids are more likely to also. They will usually follow your lead in these matters, so being nonchalant when you tell them is a good idea.

Be available to talk to your child about any questions they may have. If you don’t know the answers, go to an online site such as PLAG or COLAGE and get the right answers.

Telling kids a family member is gay or lesbian  is as big or small of an event as you make it. Kids usually handle such information in stride and the earlier you do it, the better.

Successful Dating Tips For Women Who Love Women Over 40

By Marilyn Galfin

The dating scene for mature women who love women over 40 can be quite a challenging escapade to say the least. If I didn’t know any better I would think we have become an endangered species. What happened to the plenty of fish concept? Have older lesbians been abducted by aliens? You can find a few of us occasionally showing up in the one allocated lesbian bar in a few states.

We have meet-up groups but many are frequented by a younger crowd. There is an occasional woman’s dance for the more seasoned gals and a few lesbian speed dating, face to face events. I encourage women to just show up as much as they can . The more you make an effort to go out, the more chances you have for making friends and getting dates.

So when opportunity knocks and it is time for a date here are a few tips that can help make for successful dating and relationships and a more joyful experience.

1. Look your best

Put on the outfit that reflects your style and makes you look your best. When you look fabulous you feel fabulous. And a fabulous feeling person feels confident which is a great attraction quality. And while we are mentioning confidence. If you wear “odor de desperation and insecurity”, your date will leave running way before you get to any dessert. If confidence is a challenge, it is a good time in your life to strengthen that part of yourself. Not only will it make dating more successful but all areas of your life.

2. Be considerate

That means arrive on time. Being late is a bad way to leave a good impression. It is rude and makes the other person feel they are not important enough for your time. Put away, hide, bury or discard cell phones. What could be more rude and obnoxious than arriving late, is talking on your phone when your date is sitting there waiting to spend her time with you. Peoples time has as much value as your time. If you want to have a date with your cell phone make that at another time. And don’t be condescending if you feel this is not the right person for you. Treat your date with respect whether there is an attraction or not.

3. Pick a good meeting place

Meet in a place that is conducive to conversation and easy to travel to for both of you. If it is a restaurant make sure there is food appropriate for both of you. Having a date in a disco is quite counterproductive. A restaurant, or cafe or outside at a park where you can relax without having to yell to be heard are some suggestions.

4. Have an attitude of fun

Some women approach lesbian dating as a traumatic life and death situation. One of the most appreciated and attractive qualities is sense of humor. Lighten up. It doesn’t mean you have to crack jokes but be open to spontaneity and making light of the situation. Instead of feeling as if dating is equal to going to the dentist for root canal, feel as if you are going to Disney World or as if you just won a million dollars. Think fun thoughts and remember meeting people and relationships are always learning experiences. Enjoy that perspective.

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Coming Out Midlife: Entering The Lesbian Community

When I first came out I remember having a couple of pretty devastating  experiences with lesbians accepting me. One woman, who had just dumped her partner of 13 years, had the audacity to tell me I was heinous for not honoring my marriage commitment. When I pointed out that she was not honoring her commitment to her partner, her answer was, “But we weren’t married.” Well, duh. At any rate, this idiot set me back about 6 months in my coming out process. The last thing you need when you are taking this step is for someone in the community to give you a hard time.

One of the best ways to enter the lesbian community is to connect with women who are also coming out in midlife. These women often have kids, understand your problems and most likely are coming out of marriages also. And it is very common for lesbians to have been married, so there are plenty of us to seek out! Then start by joining a local club and attending a few events. Before you know it, you will be making all sorts of connections.

If you discovered you were a lesbian after being married, it is also a good idea to be separated or in the divorce process before getting heavily involved in the lesbian community. Lesbians may look upon married women who are perusing the scene with suspicion. “Are you looking for a threesome? Are you serious about being a lesbian? You’re attractive, but if I get involved will you leave him?” are a few of the questions that will pop into the average lesbian mind if you are still living in the family home.

Another thing to realize is that the lesbian community isn’t necessarily a neighborhood. The community is made up of all the lesbians that live in a locale and who interact with each other. The community may be online, it may be a loose social network, it may be an active formal organization or all of those things. And no matter where you are, always think of the lesbian community as a small town. Women know each other. They talk. So, don’t burn bridges. Be careful what you say to whom about others. They may have been lovers with the person several years back!

Overall, entering the lesbian community is very exciting and rewarding for women who have lived their lives wondering what gay life would be like, and most likely fearing it. After a few forays into lesbian clubs, lesbian covered dishes and a few softball games, you will start to get the idea that life isn’t so very different on this side, just more…female!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

The Partner Finally Reads My Blog

So my partner never read my blog. Apparently, she hears enough from me in real life and doesn’t want to spend her spare time having to “listen” to me, too. Except she DID go on to read my blog recently…there was some article we were discussing and she popped on to see it. After that, she read a couple more, and then more again.

So she gets off the site and turns to me and says…”Where is the woman that writes this and when can I meet her?’ I said, “Right here, honey.” And she says, “No, THAT woman would never get pissed at me for working late or for snoozing on Saturday afternoon.” To which I responded, “Wanna make a bet?”

So here’s 3 things I learned from that conversation: 1) Even though as a coach I can see other people’s problems and solutions clearly, sometime it’s still difficult to see my own. 2)  I need to use some of my own strategies to avoid getting pissed over late work nights and snoozy Saturdays. 3) I’d better never let my partner meet the woman that writes my blog! (only kidding…)

12 Signs Your Lesbian Relationship Is Over

Are you in a lesbian relationship (or any relationship!) and wondering if it has run its course? How do you decide when to bail? Of course there are the obvious red flags, like cheating and abuse, but what if the troubles are more subtle than that. Here are a few ways to tell if you should consider breaking up and getting a fresh start, hopefully making a wiser choice the next time round.

• You are frequently feeling depressed about the relationship. You may find yourself in a state of ennui, emotionally paralyzed and feeling down. Time moves very slowly when you are together.
• You are feeling trapped. The relationship is no longer a source of joy, but rather an obligation for you to uphold. You brace before walking in the door at night. You look forward to the workweek.
• You are talking to the wall. You’ve tried to explain what is going on with you and how you feel about the relationship, but she does nothing to address your concerns.
• You feel like you are doing a disproportionate amount of the  relationship-building work. You are the arranger, the talker, the organizer, the planner, the fixer, the doer. If you stop, she does nothing to take over. You are exhausted and hurt.
• You feel you don’t have the strength or the will to work on the relationship, even if your partner does want to turn it around. You simply don’t care anymore. The thought of couples counseling is unappealing. You have passed the point of emotional no-return.
• You are frequently thinking about an ex- or find yourself flirting with someone new. You may have noticed your partner doing the same.
• You and your partner are fighting more often and more intensely…or worse, you are not communicating at all.
• Your partner ridicules you or seems embarrassed by you around others.
• Your partner tells other people important news before she tells you. Not good. Especially if you hear it back from the other person first!
• Your partner doesn’t consult you before making major decisions.
• Your partner doesn’t make time for you. You try to make plans to be together, but your partner tends to have excuses to cancel them, whether it be work, commitments to friendships or just household chores. You feel like you are at the bottom of the list.
• The sex is dead.

If your relationship has 4 or 5 of these signs, as a couple you maybe in trouble. If 7 or 8 are hitting home, you might start thinking about getting out of the relationship and making some plans toward that end. If the whole list sounds like your life, run!

If you are gay or lesbian and want to rebuild your relationship or start a new one, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

Build A Lesbian Social Network, Wherever You Live

Are you a woman over 30  who is just now coming out as a lesbian? If you aren’t quite sure where you fit in socially, it may be time to develop some new friendships. It’s always a good idea to put some effort into building a strong lesbian social network. Meeting other lesbians can help you feel less marginalized and more part of a group. Your ability to do this easily will depend on your geographic location. If you live in New York City or the Bay area, it will be relatively easy finding women of like mind. However, in rural North Dakota it can be another story. Even so, if you live in such an area, and you feel that finding a social network is hopeless, think about two things. First, YOU are gay and YOU live there. Second, there are lesbians everywhere.

So, where do you find women? Well, here is where the internet is your friend. If you live in a large city, usually a simple google for “[NAME OF CITY] lesbian group” will net you something. Do not set the search for “[NAME OF CITY] lesbian club” because you will most likely get a listing of bars, which is not what you want…OK, so maybe you do want bars! You can also try this in rural areas, just use the name of the closest city.

Another search that is good to try is Yahoo Groups. Just search the site for “lesbian [YOUR STATE or YOUR CITY] and see what pops up. In our North Dakota example, there were several legitimate-looking groups that were retrieved. One thing you want to look for is groups that are listed as membership required. Groups that are listed as public are often porn sites.

Another way to make connections is to use an internet dating site, such as Match.com. Use a very broad search criteria, such as ages 25 to 60, and use a 100 mile radius. Even in remote areas you should net a few ladies. Write them, not necessarily to date, but to make contacts and possibly develop friendships. Chances are, they know other lesbians in the area to introduce you to. You can also ask them if they are aware of any clubs, groups or organizations that are not publicly listed on the internet.

If the lesbians you find are just too far away or too scattered, there are always chat rooms and message boards galore on the internet. Just be careful you are not talking to male pervs or lurkers. They are usually easy to figure out because they get sexually inappropriate real fast. But still, never arrange to meet someone in a secluded area or at their (or your) home. You never really know. Make sure you talk on the phone before meeting a woman, and always, always, always meet for the first time in a public place, during the day. Anyone can send you a picture of a random woman and say it is them, but webcams are hard to fake. Before meeting a woman, tell her you want to chat via webcam.

Finally, if you live within an hour or so of a city, you might want to check out the local gay bar to meet some people. To find one, do the search for “[NAME OF CITY or STATE] lesbian gay club bar.” Our North Dakota example came up with a place called I Beam in Fargo.

So, go forth and build a social network! These are the people who will keep you afloat when times get rough, who you can talk to and laugh with, who understand you and who know what you want!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

Lutherans Made The Right Choice

Hey, the vote is in. And the ELCA has decided gays are able to serve as clergy, even if they are sexually active. Whooo–hoo. Now, that being said, and don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to have made the cut, but I hated having my rights “voted on.” There is just something subhuman about that.

And not just in this instance, but for all these state votes on marriage, sodomy laws, etc. There is just something demeaning about having to even have your rights voted on. WE SHOULD JUST HAVE RIGHTS. Period.