Gonna Shout That Gay Away

OK, I’m sure you’ve heard about this video, but in case you haven’t seen it, you can watch it here. This was filmed in a Christian Church that performs gay exorcisms and the victim on the floor is a teenager. I can’t imagine the permanent harm they are doing that poor boy. It’s like living in the Dark Ages.

And don’t think this only happens in wacko fundamentalist churches. My partner was put through an exorcism as an adult by the Catholic Church. Yes, a priest came to the house and tried to pull the homosexual demon out of her. Um, I can attest to the fact that it did not work!

Anyway it’s an odd tactic to use. I wonder what would happen if we shouted at a straight person. Would they would turn gay???

Discovering Pride Made “The Best 100″ List

I am always amazed at the diversity of people from around the world that read my blog. But I was really surprised to find that Discovering Pride was chosen by the UK-based organization, The Lesbian and Gay Foundation, as one of the best 100 LGBT blogs in the world! Wow. I’m awed.  You can see the entire list at: Best 100 LGBT Blogs.

How were the blogs chosen? Here is the story from TLGF:

“LGF online have scoured the internet to bring you the most informative, entertaining and inspiring blogs from around the world.

The blogs we’ve chosen cover diverse issues from all sides of the LGBT equation. There’s blogs from gay parents, gay conservatives, gay activists, young people coming out, older people coming out, and gay asylum seekers to name but a few.

These blogs take in opinion and experience from all over the world, we visit Iraq, America, the UK…and many other places via these blogs. We see how gay rights are fought from capital cities to rural watering holes.

Some of these blogs exist purely for your pleasure, to entertain and to let us know which clubs the blogger de jour has been falling out of…but in the main, the blogs in this list have a call to arms, they want to inform you about your LGBT rights, and they want you to use them.”

THANK YOU TLGF!

Lesbian AIDS Transmission

I always knew that lesbians had a really low incidents of AIDS/HIV, but today I went on the CDC website and found out just how low.  The latest information was only available through 2006, but I think you get the idea:

“To date, there are no confirmed cases of female-to-female sexual transmission of HIV in the United States database (K. McDavid, CDC, oral communication, March 2005).”

“A study of more than 1 million female blood donors found no HIV-infected women whose only risk factor was sex with women. Despite the absence of confirmed cases of female-to-female transmission of HIV, the findings do not negate the possibility.”

That is not to say that there are no lesbians with AIDS: most of them IV drug users or women that have jumped the fence to have occasional sex with a guy. But as far as female-to-female confirmed transmission during sex…nada.

‘Course we do have other STD worries…genital warts, herpes, hepatitis, allergic vaginitis (um, from allergy to toys! Like, make sure you don’t have a latex allergy before you…ya know…), pubic lice, scabies and trichomoniasis. So there is still plenty of reason to practise safe sex, especially with a new partner who has not been tested!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

Re-Post: Ex-Gay Marriage Video

Ex-Gay Marriage Miracle Cure

Here’s a great video examining one couple’s mixed orientation marriage experience within the context of the Mormon Church.

If you are lesbian or gay and are in a straight marriage, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

Gay? Don’t Let Religion Make You Feel Bad About Yourself!

OK, it is time to write another post about religion and homosexuality. Specifically,  religion that takes the Bible and pulls out a handful of versus to condemn an entire group of people. I have been having more and more clients call me with religion being their greatest block and source of unhappiness. This may be because people are having trouble accepting themselves (the worst) or because other people are making them feel bad about themselves (only slightly less worse).

Let’s talk about being gay and religion. My dear readers, I am not going to get into a theological, verse-by- verse discussion about Bible condemnation of homosexuality here. What I AM going to do is ask you to THINK. Yes, use your noggin and actually THINK about being gay, what that really means and also THINK about religion and what that really means. I know this is really different because many religious leaders do not want you to think logically, they only want you to believe what they tell you and follow the masses.

So, what does being gay really mean? For the people I talk to…and I talk to a lot of gay people in very intimate terms… being gay is primarily about love. It is about who they are attracted to and who they fall in love with. It is about finding completion, becoming a whole person and living in peace with oneself. That is what being gay means. Sure, of course there is gay sex involved, but it is truly incidental to the fact that that is where our romantic attractions lie. Pretty simple, really.

Now lets talk about religion and some of the things the Bible says. The Bible says not to eat cheeseburgers. The Bible says not to eat shellfish. So why is McDonald’s still in business? Why do I see shameless ads in the grocery store advertising “SHRIMP…ONLY $7.99 A POUND.” Why aren’t people picketing those disgusting places?

The Bible supports slavery. Wow. So, why did we bother to have the Civil War?

The Bible supports war. Basically, that is some of God’s creations killing other of God’s creations. And that is deemed OK and even necessary. Hmmm.

The Bible says not to wear cotton and polyester blend clothing. Yes, it really does.

You know, I could go on and on, but I think you get my drift and I really have lots of more important things to do today. Like pulling weeds in my yard and grocery shopping. Am I angry? You bet I am. The issue of homosexuality has been singled out of the Bible among many, many other topics that the majority does not choose to comply with because they themselves find it inconvenient.

If Christians, in particular those who interpret the Bible literally, believe that Jesus’ death for our sins and ascension supercedes all the Old Testament laws, then they should leave gays the heck alone! OR STOP EATING CHEESEBURGERS.

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

Is It Always Necessary To Come Out?

I recently had someone ask if you could be happy and not come out. While my initial response to this question was “No!,” after reflection I realized what her real question was. She was from a small southern town with a deep fundamental religious culture and what she really wanted to know is if I felt she HAD to come out.

Of course, my service is to help people come out, but there are some exceptions. If your life is in danger, if you will lose everything you have, then it is probably a good idea to make some alternate arrangements before letting that cat out of the bag.

Usually, in a situation like that, the best alternate arrangement is to move. Think about it, the great gay meccas, like San Fransisco, New York, Key West and Provincetown did not get that way because there was a disproportionate number of gay people born there. They are gay meccas because gays and lesbians have moved there from less forgiving places.

Coming out is important for your sense of self–for you to live authentically. Just plan to do it in a place where you won’t get lynched!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

Should Fear Stop You?

Fear can be a good thing. It is a device that tells us when we might get hurt. Listening to your inner fear when you are in a dangerous situation may save your life…like when you are threatened by someone or when a car is coming toward you and you dodge it. But what if you are having fear and your life isn’t being trheatened? What if you are having self-doubts about a taking a job or about dating someone you just met. Sometimes fear can just get in the way of your life instead of protecting it.

What is that fear about, anyway? Where does it start? Why is it so hard to overcome? When we are kids, we think we can do anything. We try everything. Slowly, over time, we develop inhibitions. We start to measure ourselves against others and make judgments about how we act and our capabilities. We realize other people can do some things better than we can and we do other things better than they do. We become self-conscious of what people will think of us when we perform badly. Slowly paralysis sets in. The dance floor is ignored because people will laugh, the art class is abandoned because your work “sucks.”

Now you are an adult, though, and these teen fears still plague you. Preventing you from getting the right job, preventing you from going after the relationship you want. This kind of fear has its origins down deep, but it can be overcome. Methodically, bit by bit, you can fight that fear until it is a manageable presenced in your life, but not ruling your life. Don’t let fear stop you!

Coming Out Gets Easier

For those of you who are in the closet, coming out seems like an avalanche will be triggered over your head once you open the closet door. Well maybe and maybe not. Coming out is different for everyone. Usually things go much more smoothly than our imaginations tell us. We tend to think the worst will happen. In a way this is a good thing, because it prepares us mentally for whatever may come. However, it is a very bad thing when our imaginations do such a negative job that they prevent us from coming out at all! The truth is that most initial coming out experiences produce more positive outcomes than negative outcomes.

The toughest thing about your first coming out is that it is to people you know. People that you have known all your life, in some cases. People that think of you as a person you are not. It is overcoming the sense of betrayal to these people that is a part of the problem. And of course the worst of these is your parents and spouse if you have married, as they have the most invested in you. Parents tend to think your gayness is a reflection on them, somehow–the way they raised you, things they may have done or not done, or even their gene pool! Spouses are angry that they will have to start over again with their lives, and rightly so.

There is good news though. If you are tough enough to get through the initial coming out process and tell the people you already have relationships with (and you will get tough doing this), the easier it is to move forward in your life and tell people you are just meeting for the first time. And soon enough you will find you don’t even have to tell people outright–all you have to do is live your life and people will know. And they will respect you for it and accept who you are.

Here is an example. The last job I took, which was just over a year ago, I decided to come out to my supervisor right away. My mother told me I was crazy, that I just ruined any chances of getting ahead with the company and that I may even get fired. Nothing could be further from the truth. Instead, I was able to be relaxed with my supervisor–I didn’t have anything to hide. We were able to talk freely about weekend plans and home life and I was able to be myself. I could answer questions honestly and have conversations without guarding everything I said. Until you do not have that hanging over your head, you don’t even realize how much it affects your relationships.

Just over a year has passed and I got a 5 star review from my supervisor. I also received a promotion within the year and have found out I am in line for a second promotion. It just goes to show you, the more you accept yourself, are comfortable with who you are, the more likely people will take your sexuality in stride and accept you, too. Of course, it also helps if you do a really good job!

Now, when I meet people for the first time, I make sure to tell them I have a partner and her name is Joy. I smile, look them in the eye and hold my head high. They usually look confused for just the tiniest second, until they get it, and then smile back and say, “Oh, that’s nice.” And that is that. Yes, coming out does get easier!

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

My Radio Interview

Wow, this was fun. I was interviewed by James Hipps of The Gay Agenda this past Wednesday, April 1, on Blog Talk Radio. It was an hour long segment and you can listen to it by clicking below. You need Real Player to play it, but you can download that free here.

Hear Pat’s Interview

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.

The Silent Partners Of Mixed Orientation Marriages

For people that discover they are homosexual after marriage, one option to turn to is open marriage. Initially, this appears to be a way for people to have their cake and eat it too. Stay in the marriage, have a same-sex partner on the side. Many times straight spouses will agree to this arrangement for various reasons: children, disruption of life, economics and, yes, true caring of their spouse. Most straight spouses come to the understanding, over time, that they are unable to fulfill the needs of their gay or lesbian counterpart.

The fallacy of this reasoning is that the decisions are made from the perspective of the marriage. Each of the married spouses agree to this arrangement and do so because it suits their needs, at least for the time being.

Enter the new gay partner. Now the dynamics of the marriage change. Time and energy has to be juggled between a new, exciting relationship and maintaining the marriage on a companionable level. If children are involved, that is a consideration also. How will the new partner be introduced and accepted into the family unit? Most times the new partner has no say because the parameters of the open marriage have already been defined by the spouses.

Special occasions like holidays can be especially difficult if the new partner is not welcome into the home by the straight spouse. The new gay or lesbian partner will often feel like a second class citizen at these times and problems can arise.

One important issue involving open marriages for mixed orientation couples is that both spouses should hve the option to find satisfaction outside the marriage. The straight spouse is also entitled to explore an outside relationship in this scenario. Oftentimes, the gay spouse will think that it is only their right to go outside the marriage bounds because of their homosexual status. However, straight spouses have the same right to find satisfaction in a straight-straight relationship.

Navigating an open marriage is difficult, especially on the gay or lesbian partner. It is essential that these partners are not marginalized in order for these relationships to work in the long run. One viable option is for mixed orientation couples to seek out others in the same circumstance. Many issues can be resolved this way because both gay spouses have marriage obligations and a deeper understanding of each others’ situation and commitments.

Open marriages can work, but many factors have to fall into place for this to happen: lack of jealousy, negotiating the marriage parameters with the gay partners’ input, including the gay partner in at least some of the family rituals and definign the open marriage as “open” for the straight spouse, also.

If you are gay or lesbian and are coming out in midlife, please visit my website at www.discoveringpride.com.